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The Emotions of Conflict
The way to handle the most dangerous aspects of conflict is from the inside out.
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"I certainly see your point," Pastor Brown said. He kept his voice carefully modulated. Only his clenched hands betrayed his agitation, and neither Elder Peters nor Elder Roberts noticed. "I'm really glad you're on our side, Pastor," Peters said, getting up from the couch. "I was afraid that this foolish proposal to turn an entire room over to the youth was going to be passed. I'm glad we'll avoid that mistake." The pastor hadn't actually said he would support efforts to block the room conversion. What he said was, "I'll speak to the youth advisers and emphasize the need to keep the room flexible." "I knew we could count on you," Roberts said as the two men left the pastor's office. Carl Brown's mind flashed back to the conversation he'd had that morning with Tracy, who chaired the Christian education committee. The youth group had outgrown their small classroom. The committee planned for the teens to switch rooms with the dwindling adult Bible study and let the group decorate the much larger room to suit their tastes. The decision hadn't yet been presented to the church board and already there was movement by a few longtime members to derail the change. Tracy made a strong case for the importance of youth ministry and the need to show the youth how much the church valued them. "I can see your point," Carl had told her. "I'm grateful for your encouragement and support, Carl. I knew that you were a progressive leader," Tracy bubbled. Carl didn't know where all this would end, but he knew he didn't want to be around when these two forces collided. Caught in the middlePastors find themselves in these positions all too often. Both sides are committed to "doing the right thing." Both sides see the pastor's support as essential to their victory. In an effort to be a peacemaker, the pastor listens, attempts to understand, and soon is assumed to be an ally. When the parties meet, one, and possibly both, will believe that the pastor has betrayed them. They may even spread the opinion that the pastor is not to be trusted. Why? Pastors usually want to be perceived as friendly and helpful. We want to avoid the conflict. We know lots of stories in which conflict destroyed a church. We have seen doctrinal arguments drive members away. We have seen conflicts split fellowship groups. We have seen disagreement over building projects weaken church finances. And we have seen fellow ministers driven out of their churches. Conflict quickly becomes harmful when the parties see themselves in competition for some scarce resource. In one church, conflict arose when a new Sunday school class on parenting was offered for those having difficulty with their children. The Christian education committee designed and announced the class without informing the teachers of the current adult classes. The teachers saw the new class as competing with them for young couples. They began by grumbling and later moved to sabotage. The new class never got off the ground, and the ministry opportunity was lost. |             |
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