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Strain of Confidentiality
To talk or not to talk - that is just the first of the questions.
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Pastor Kathy, can I come over? I have something to tell you," Monica asked. I was glad she was coming soon; such phone calls create a sick feeling in my stomach. Was it serious? Anything I had done? The phone rang again. My husband Roger inquired about my day. "Monica's coming over to talk to me." "What about?" he wondered. "I don't know." Soon the doorbell rang, and I let Monica in. We sat on the couch, facing each other, while she played with the buttons on her shirt. Her eyes focused mostly on the floor. "I don't know how to say this. Do pastors have to keep things confidential like priests do?" I reassured her that I would keep her concern confidential.* "I've been having an emotional affair. It didn't get physical. Well, mostly not. I'm just not sure if God will forgive me." She raised the ideas of venial and mortal sins she had learned in her Roman Catholic upbringing. I told her of God's promise in 1 John 1:9 to forgive whatever she confessed. Mildly reassured, she continued. "Do I tell Keith? Is that part of being forgiven? Do I have to admit it to him? I can't imagine what he will do if he finds out." I paused. Monica's concerns grew out of her husband's recent expressions and behavior. He had already accused her of being unfaithful. How would he respond if Monica shared her confession? I also thought of Keith's behavior through the years, the comments about other women, the desire to choose the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with the best looking babes. "No, Monica, I don't think you should tell Keith right now," I said. "I don't think he's ready for that kind of transparency at the moment. You may get to a place someday where you can tell him, but I wouldn't do it now." Monica looked relieved, yet still troubled. She wondered if she was forgivable without admitting her sin to Keith. When Roger came home from work, he asked what Monica had wanted to discuss. I told him I couldn't talk about it. As a pastor's spouse, this wasn't new to him. But since he knew a lot about Monica and Keith's marriage, I'm sure he made some mental hypotheses. We avoided the issue so I wouldn't betray Monica's confidentiality. The next day I was still thinking about Monica's confession. Had I given her sound advice? I called one of my seminary mentors, and explained the details to him. Listening to all the dynamics, my mentor confirmed my conclusion. Getting his support gave me more confidence in my decision, but it didn't make it any easier to keep it to myself. A few months later, Monica attended an Emmaus Walk. During her retreat, she struggled again with her sin and her cover-up. Discussing the issue, I again reassured her that it was not in the best interest of her marriage to tell her husband. "You might feel better," I cautioned, "but think through how he would react." During that weekend, seeing his support of her, I had a glimmer of hope that the relationship might grow to where Keith could handle the truth. I sure hoped so. The albatross around both of our necks had begun to stink. |             |
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