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 Bringing It HomeI Had an Affair My husband wasn't making me happy. So why not look elsewhere for intimacy?
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On Valentine's Day 2000, right after I found an apartment, I was ready to tell Allen our marriage was over. Allen took me to a nice restaurant, then we drove to a beautiful place where stars lit the sky. Coldly, I informed Allen I didn't love him anymore. He broke down in tears saying this wasn't what he wanted, that he still loved me. I wasn't expecting his heartbroken reaction. How could he still care for me after all I'd done? He was supposed to say he didn't love me either. Then we could separate. But he didn't. Neither of us spoke about what to do next. In the middle of the night after Allen tossed and turned in bed, he touched my arm and asked, "Is there someone else?" I didn't answer, so he asked again. I told him there was someone, but I'd broken off the relationship. In my heart, though, I knew that was only partially true. That's when the yelling started. He questioned how I could do this to him and the kids. What was I thinking? Didn't our vows mean anything? I listened as all the hurt poured from him. When he could yell no more, he went for a walk while I laid in bed and cried. All the yelling and pain snapped me back to reality. The consequences of my actions were settling in, and it became clear what I'd done. To save my marriage, I was determined to end the other relationship at work the next day. The next couple days were an emotional roller coaster filled with anger, confusion, sadness, and shock. I apologized over and over and told Allen this would never happen again. At this point I was at a loss; I needed help. My family didn't go to church much when I was growing up. While I always knew there was a God, he wasn't part of my life. But I needed God now. Cry for HelpWhile Allen was at work, I went into the living room, got on my knees, and begged God to forgive me, to come into my life and help me. I knew this was my last chance to save my marriage. I cried and prayed as I never had before, and soon a calm came over me. I felt if I trusted God, my marriage would survive. But I also needed my husband's forgiveness—and my own. That evening, armed with hope, I asked Allen again for forgiveness and asked if we should try to work out our marriage or separate. With conviction he said, "I made a commitment to this marriage and I'm not going anywhere. If you want to leave, go ahead, but I'm not giving up." I was stunned that he wanted to stay. I told him I was willing to work it out as well. Then Allen said, "You're a great person. I guess I didn't think you had moral flaws. You made a mistake and I forgive you." I stood listening to his grace and began to weep. At that moment I felt renewed love toward Allen and I wrapped my arms around him. "I'll work hard to earn back your trust. I promise." |             | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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