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 Getting DeeperThe Gift of Doubt How singer/songwriter Sara Groves's dark night of the soul led her to a better understanding of God, his kingdom, and our role in it.
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I told a girlfriend, "If something happens to Kirby, I don't know if my faith will survive." I realized if I could envision a scenario in which my faith wouldn't survive, then it wasn't surviving now. Even with tough spiritual issues, I'd always said, "Lord, I don't understand it, but I trust you." But for the first time I said, "I don't understand it, and I want to know why. I'm not going to take your word for it anymore." Did you ever doubt your faith? I never doubted God exists; I just wasn't sure about his character. It was difficult to understand his sovereignty in the face of awful things that happen in our world. I kept saying, "I know you're God, and I know you're going to win, but I'm still frustrated." I had so many big questions: If God was sovereign, why did all these bad things happen? How much does prayer impact these situations? I was frustrated and afraid. I didn't even pick up my Bible for about a year. What finally changed? I got sick of myself, really. I realized the fruit of my anger, bitterness, cynicism, and fear is anger, bitterness, cynicism, fear, and death. Once, in my frustration, I said to God, "You don't just give Job a second family and then it's all better." Soon after we had a substitute bus driver, Dick, for a 72-hour drive to a concert in Georgia. At one point, I chatted with him about his family. He'd lost his only son in a tragic accident. Dick and his wife eventually joined a ministry called Helping Hands, which brings terminally ill children from overseas here to get whatever medical treatment they need. Dick and his wife nurse these kids to health and send them home. Eventually they adopted their son, Brandon. At the end of our conversation Dick said, "If I hadn't lost my son, I never would have met Brandon—and I can't imagine my life without him." That night, I felt God say, Sara, you go tell Dick the second family doesn't cut it. I realized Dick knew something about depending on his Maker I had yet to understand. How did that conversation impact you? I finally picked up my Bible again. I started reading in Job and flipped over to Psalms. I couldn't get enough. And I haven't stopped since. Something broke open inside me. Soon after, I discovered I was pregnant again. I wanted to set things straight before this new child arrived. My brother-in-law Mick suggested we name the baby Toby, or Tobias, which means the Lord is good. I told my husband, Troy, "The birth of our first child caused me to start questioning, so I'm going to say this is finally over with the birth of our next child." I feel like I dedicated Kirby to the Lord, but I never really gave him over to God. At Toby's dedication, I gave them both to God. |             | |||||||||||||||||||
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