It's remarkably easy to get caught up in someone's marriage crisis. What's not easy is maintaining that delicate balance between professional distance and pastoral warmth. Here are a few common hazards you should be aware of before you enter a counseling relationship with a couple in crisis. Sexual attractionMany pastors say the most volatile counseling situation involves a male pastor and a woman with a troubled marriage. The "thoughtful, caring pastor" can easily be seen as the answer for a woman with a "thoughtless, brutish lout" of a husband. And so easily the warm affirmation translates into sexual attraction. The flesh is weak. Physical intimidationPastors can also be intimidated by passion-torn spouses. One pastor tells the story of a woman from his church who asked to be counseled. She felt she was in danger from her husband. When the pastor asked why, she said, "He wants to get rid of me." Apparently he had become fed up with her and wanted her out of his life, so he was doing incredibly mean things. He figured if he intimidated her enough, she'd just leave. His main concern was that she sign over the house to him, but that would mean she'd leave without a penny of assets. The pastor told her she didn't have to be bullied into signing anything and encouraged her to stick up for her rights. He also warned her to leave the house if he started acting dangerous. Shortly thereafter, the husband paid the pastor a visit. "He wasn't at all pleased," the pastor reports, "and he seemed intent on changing my mind. When his six-foot-four frame came through my door, I knew I was in trouble. Pointing accusingly at my sternum, he raged, 'If you hadn't talked to my wife, she would've signed the papers and let me have my house!'" The pastor replied, "You may be big, but you're only half a man if you're trying to take that house away from your wife." Somehow that worked. They did divorce, but she got the house, and she lived in it for years in retirement. Taking sidesAnother danger is becoming linked too closely to one party. It's easy to feel closer to one person in the couple. You might feel that one person has a better handle on what needs to be done and is more willing to do it. Perhaps one person seems more likely to be the victim. Stay neutral. Both persons ought to be able to expect your impartiality. Knowing too muchSoon after I had met with Jeanne, she seemed to turn against me. She was making progress in her marriage, but suddenly in church matters, whatever I was for, she was against. After several months of locking horns with me, she finally announced her decision to leave the church. I hadn't failed her as a counselor; she had been appreciative of my concern, and she appeared helped by my advice. Nor had my opinions and pastoral style changed. So why the clash? Probably because I knew too much. She had revealed their difficulties, and my being privy to their dirt was hard for her to live with. In her awkwardness, she left the church, ostensibly over our disagreements. That is a price one must sometimes pay for crisis intervention. Frustration over failureI worked with one couple for nearly two years. To the husband, his wife was a cold fish with unreasonable expectations. To the wife, the husband was a troubled and selfish mother's boy unable to show he really loved her. I could see why both felt as they did. And, from outside the labyrinth, I watched them bump their way through the marriage trying to find each other. But they could see only an endless array of walls. Although I knew what it would take for them to succeed, they were either unwilling or unable to make it happen. In frustration and dismay, I watched them wend their way out opposite exits of the maze. Pastors who care about people and see the awful destruction of divorce feel the sorrow of a home divided, of children uprooted, of love turned into bitterness and self-reproach. Sometimes it hurts to be called into crisis. Despite the hazards, what keeps us going are the occasions when our intervention has impact. One missionary wife sent this testimony to her pastor following counseling: I felt trapped between my feelings and my Christian convictions. I hated my husband and wanted to leave him. I knew that to leave him was wrong and would have far-reaching consequences for my family. And we were missionaries! My husband and I were given an opportunity to go to a Christian retreat center for counsel, and in agreeing to go, I made my first tentative choice to work on our marriage. My first day there, I made a deliberate choice to commit myself to my husband and to our marriage. Each positive step I took was a response to my choice as I ignored my feelings. We started to rebuild our marriage. Our first aim was friendship, since we felt this was a measurable, reachable goal. I had no expectations, but I stuck with it, knowing only that I was doing the right thing. My miracle happened—very slowly. As I acted on my choice and built on it, my feelings began to change. Over the months I began to feel respect, then tenderness, and finally love for my husband. I saw his weakness, and I saw his strength. I saw him through entirely different eyes, and I loved him. Success! James D. Berkley is an author, editor, and pastor in Bellevue, Washington. Copyright © 1989 by Christianity Today International. Adapted from Called Into Crisis.    Dealing with the Emotionally WoundedHere's how to help them find healing.  Death of a SpouseHow To Make Restoration Work Have a plan for bringing a sister or brother back into your fellowship. 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